Thursday, May 05, 2005

Quaker Revenge is Sweet

QuakerIf hazy memories from my 9th grade history class serve me right, Quakers belong to a religious sect that place the highest regard on non-violence and being at peace with one another. So adamant in these beliefs, they left England for the New World centuries ago to practice their pacifist brand of Christianity.

Apparently, a lot has changed these past few hundred years, for it now seems they are on a different kind of mission to create discord in marital harmony. This theory stems from my experience with their eponymous breakfast cereal.

Evil KelloggNow you might be thinking that this argument relates to dad wanting to feed his kids sugar cereal, while mom vies for more healthy options. No, that is a conspiracy that involves the entire cereal community. (There’s a reason why one of the villains on Buck Rogers was named Kellogg)

What Quaker is doing is much more subtle, and dangerous. My wife and I try to eat the more healthy cereals, but now and again we succumb to temptation and get some crazy sugar cereal like “Quaker Honey Graham Oh’s.” I know that to consumers of Fruity Pebbles and their ilk, Honey Graham Oh’s is a sissy sugar cereal, but those 12 grams of sugar per serving pack a wallop. There’s a reason why they’re called “Oh’s” and not “O’s” – pure, sugary ecstasy.

Alas, my sugar high has veered me off course from informing my humble readers of the non-caloric dangers of Quaker Honey Graham Oh’s. Quite simply, Quaker’s nefarious plot involves the packaging. At first glance, the inner bag is not noticeably different than other inner bags that call a cereal box home. And that’s the problem; because that’s exactly where the trouble lies.

Apparently, Quaker has taken a cue from potato chip manufacturers to create a bag that is unable to be opened without bursting open in a jagged, non-uniform, stale-inducing mess. This is quite surprising given the many advances in inner cereal bag technology. All other cereal bags open so easily by gently pulling apart the lips of the sealed plastic opening. By creating the one bag that defies this valuable convention, Quaker strikes at the heart of the American family.

Insidious Quaker Inner Bag

The typical marriage bruising scenario goes something like this (at least that’s how it went for me):

  • Wife tries to open package of Quaker Honey Graham Oh’s and rips the bag apart sending Oh’s to a horrible death by the family pet
  • Husband assumes wife’s incompetence and chides her for ripping bag open improperly and jeopardizing the future freshness of the cereal
  • Husband reminded of wife’s whole granular failing each time cereal is consumed
  • Months pass and sugar drains from system requiring another box to replenish reserves
  • Husband rips the bag apart sending Oh’s to a horrible death by the family pet
  • Wife saying “See, I told you so! There is something wrong with Quaker Honey Graham Oh’s packaging!”
  • Husband unable to chide wife for months to come without being reminded of prior incident.

Not a pretty scene, to be sure. Let my experience be a warning to cereal imbibing households, and a plea to the Quakers to take the “Oh no’s!” out of their Honey Graham O’s and end their assault on the sanctitude and sucralosity of marriage.

Conventional, Conjugal Enabling Inner Bag


Anonymous said...

I forgot how hairy Gil Gerard is...


Anonymous said...

how did you not mention that the slogan of the Honey Nut Oh's is "Good Things in the Middle?"