All Tied Up For Christmas

Apparently, the Green Valley Honey Tree Farm in Black Diamond, WA, is offering an ingenious service to help you with your Christmas shopping. With your kids tied up like a freshly-cut Yule tree, you won’t have to worry about them running recklessly around the mall as you do your part to edge up the consumer confidence index for the holidays.

If your kids complain, just tell them that you’re playing Spiderman, and they are the unfortunate criminals caught in your web. Kids love make-believe. Especially when it concerns a superhero who has been embedded into the adolescent psyche through two heavily-promoted blockbuster movies.

Another ingenious addition to the holiday season is the inverted Christmas tree. Because God knows it was time for a change. Instead of whacking off all the bottom branches to make room for the presents, now you can take advantage of the tree’s natural shape to accommodate America’s over-indulgent gift-giving traditions.

Your new inverted tree will show your neighbors that you know how to obediently respond to a fashion trend. If purists complain, just tell them that you did it to make a statement about the true meaning of Christmas being turned on its head. Or something like that.