Large Rodent Offers Meteorological Forecast

Global weather patterns are getting increasingly unpredictable. Even with sophisticated radar and satellite technology, it’s hard to predict how the weather will unfold.

Thank God for Punxsutawney Phil. Today, this mystic marmot predicted six more weeks of winter. In an uncertain world, it’s nice to know that we can count on one thing – a long winter. Eschewing modern forecasting techniques, P-Phil (as he’s known in the business) relied solely on seeing his shadow. Thanks to the rodent’s uncanny abilities, thousands of meteorologists can now take some time off.

Farmers across our great land are less enthusiastic about P-Phil’s prognostication. In fact, there have been rumors or a secret agrarian militia that is planning an attack to poke out the eyes of the beloved ground squirrel. In theory, this would ensure a short winter next year, as P-Phil would have no chance of catching a glimpse of his shadow - only strange memories of men with top hats pulling him out of a warm burrow at an ungodly hour of the morning.