I love Tom Swifties, said Jason quickly.

As someone who obsesses about grammar, I am thoroughly enjoying “When You Catch an Adjective, Kill It,” by Ben Yagoda. Although, I now know that a good writer would not have used a cheap adverb like “thoroughly” when a more descriptive verb like “relish” would do. Be patient, it’s taking a while for all of this to sink in.

I’m not yet through the book, but I am compelled to blog about a grammatical pun previously unknown to me – the Tom Swiftly. Yagoda contends that most Tom Swifties are unfunny, but I found myself cracking up at many of them.

The Tom Swiftly hearkens back to a turn-of-the-century series of novels by Edward Stratemeyer where the boy inventor hero, Tom Swift, was unable to simply “say” anything. Nearly every utterance was meticulously modified by an adverb, such as “I am unable to say anything plainly,” said Tom simply. (Yes, these are adverb jokes.)

Wikipedia does a much more thorough (“thorough” here is an adjective, so it’s okay) job of explaining the origins and providing examples, so I’ll just list a couple here that had me in stitches. The last example I tried to tell my wife several times but couldn’t deliver the adverb punch line without cracking up first.

“I only have diamonds, clubs and spades,” said Tom heartlessly.

"They had to amputate them both at the ankles," Tom said defeatedly.

“I manufacture countertops for shops,” said Tom counterproductively.

"Elvis is dead," said Tom expressly.

“I’m not sure I’m a homosexual,” said Tom, half in Ernest.

Bush’s Poll Numbers Are Falling Dangerously Low

As someone who is extremely dissatisfied with Bush’s presidency, I should be thoroughly delighted by his declining poll numbers. However, while I’m happy that America is finally catching on to his dangerous incompetence, the continuous polling concerns me for a couple of reasons.

First, because Bush is failing so miserably, new polls every week show that his numbers have reached new lows. The news reports come out so frequently, that I’m afraid that American’s will stop paying attention. They seem to have done that with the daily reports of soldiers killed in Iraq, so it’s certainly possible.

Second, mathematics dictates that there is going to be a point where Bush’s poll numbers have to stop falling. When they reach zero, they will only have one way to go. Then Fox News might have the opportunity to state that Bush’s ratings have increased 100 percent in one week. Of course, they’ll fail to mention that his approval numbers only went from 1% to 2%.

Luckily/tragically, the ultra-conservative right will likely keep his numbers from falling too low. Bush could nuke California, and they would find a way to justify his actions – especially if it came down to keeping California or raising taxes.

BBC Takes Everyman Interview Concept Too Far

When it comes to news reporting, it’s not uncommon to get varying perspectives by interviewing subject-matter experts as well as members of the general public. However, it’s important to know which one is which.

The BBC recently ran a report on The Beatles’ Apple Corp. lawsuit against Apple Computer, and sought to gain perspective from an editor of a technology Web site. However, the person they interviewed on camera was not exactly prepared to comment. That unpreparedness likely stems from that fact that the only thing he had in common with the technology Web site was sharing the same first name as the editor.

Yes, the BBC accidentally grabbed the wrong guy from its reception area and put the bewildered man on camera. This case of mistaken identify is funny enough, but the story gets even better. The man went along with the interview and answered all the questions. Not bad for someone who came in to interview for a low-level IT position. Apparently, the intended interviewee shared the same bewilderment as he watched the interview from the reception area.

OJ is Funny

When I say that OJ Simpson is funny, I don’t mean funny in the ‘ha ‘ha’ sense of the word. I mean it in the funny-peculiar/funny-murderer type of way. If you don’t agree, consider OJs latest attempt to show the world that he’s not just good at killing people – he’s got a great sense of humor too! He’s doing this by drawing from these two skills to create a comedy pay-per-view special.

Yes, OJ is going to be the star of his own candid-camera show. I’m not sure what his catchphrase will be, but I’ve heard that he’s drawing inspiration from Jamie Kennedy and going with something like “You’ve just been off-ed.”

Apparently, OJ has a killer sense of humor. One hilarious gag has to do with trying to sell the white Bronco at a used car lot. So funny! He’s taking an icon associated with a grisly murder and turning it into pure comedy.

Of course, some might argue that such a gag is in poor taste. Regardless of whether OJ is guilty (which he is), his use of the infamous Bronco for a few laughs certainly smacks of being insensitive. Plus, I’m surprised that he’s got time for a pay-per-view special when all of his free time is surely being spent on looking for Nicole’s real killer.

For shame, OJ, for shame.

Keith Richards is Poster Child for Brain Damage

Apparently, according to a headline from Reuters, the Rolling Stones deny that Keith Richards suffered brain damage. How stupid do they think we are? Are you telling me that after all the drugs (and God knows what else Keith has done over the past 50 years) that his brain remains perfectly healthy? I’d sooner believe the positive hype surrounding their latest album.

I know that you’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but there are some instances where you can. If, for example, the cover is soaking wet, it’s pretty safe to assume that the book is also a bit damp. Judging from the vessel that holds Keith’s brain, I’m guessing that his brain is all wrinkly and cigarette-stained too.

Some might argue that the Reuters article was referring to a specific recent event, but that’s only because those people read more than just headlines. These traitors don’t understand that America is the land of headlines and sound bites. You start reading more than that, and then things get depressing and complicated and way too much to think about.

Video Games Are Way More Cool Than College

A recent poll by AP-AOL Games found that 40% of Americans play video games. That’s a million times infinity percent increase from 100 years ago. A shocking statistic, to be sure. To put that in perspective, that increase is even greater than Tom Cruise’s recent decrease in popularity polls.

Ok, I get that American’s like to play video games. Even I like to indulge in some Ms. Pacman from time to time. What’s most interesting is that the poll found that “men, younger adults and minorities were most likely to play those games.” Something about the group sounded familiar, and then it hit me. Aren’t men, younger adults and minorities also less likely to go to college? Can there be a correlation?

Not one to waste time on scientific research when vague generalizations will do, I offer the following indisputable truism: while there may not be a direct cause-and-effect event here, video games are the sole reason that less men and minorities are going to college.

As for younger adults, I don’t think there’s much we can do there. My guess is that no matter what kind of age progression genetic tampering we do, most of the people who decide not to go to college will be young adults. It’s the men and minorities that I’m worried about.

Here’s my solution for these at-risk groups – incorporate college attendance as a requirement to proceed to level 5, or to upgrade to the atomic disintegrator ray. Only then can we hope to get these people in college. Or we could trick them with online degrees that they unwittingly earn by playing Grand Theft Auto: Diploma Edition.

The Rolling Stones Are Looking Good

...compared to what age has done to rock veteran Eddie Van Halen.

What has happened to the once venerated originator of the hard rock guitar solo?! I’m grateful that I was never a Van Halen fan (sure, I occasionally sang along to “Hot for Teacher,” but I never put a quarter in the jukebox to hear it). As a fan, I would feel violated, ashamed even, that I ever put a Van Halen bumper sticker on my beat up Ford Pinto.

If Eddie loved his fans, he would have refused to go out in public like he recently did for Elton John’s Academy Awards After-Party. It’s no surprise that Valerie Bertinelli left him. The photo alone is disturbing enough. I can only imagine what it would have been like to be married to the ungracefully aging rock star it portrays.

Of course there is a bright side for some rock fans. In contrast, the Rolling Stones have never looked so good.

Reuters Has Sense of Humor

I love news agency photos like these. At first glance, it looks like it's your typical photo of the vice president - complete with trademark snarl.

Some might argue that the publishing of unflattering Cheney photos might expose a liberal media bias. I disagree wholeheartedly. It would be nearly impossible to take a photo of Mr. Cheney that wasn't unflattering.

Besides, if you really want to find a sign of a liberally biased media, it would be much easier to notice how Reuters chose to photograph Mr. Cheney with the word "Retire" over his head. If only it were true.

Britney Admits Baby Mistake

This just in from Reuters: Britney Spears admits to baby mistake. Before you jump to hopeful conclusions, I should clarify. She hasn't admitted that having the baby was a mistake, or that marrying Kevin Federline and allowing him to implant her with his seed was a mistake--only that driving with her baby on her lap was a mistake.*

I am hoping this is an important first step to admitting other mistakes. Like the other ones mentioned above, or any of the other inane mistakes that are too numerous to list here. She could start with easy mistakes, such as fashion faux pas below. Unfortunately, I don't expect that to happen. She could have the best intentions and then PopoZao! she falls off the wagon.

I think the best we can hope for is that Michael Jackson asks Britney to bring Sean Preston Spears Federline for a visit to Bahrain, and they so fall in love with the rolling sand dunes and inferno-like weather that they decide to stay. Forever. One can hope.

*I should probably cut Britney some slack regarding the whole baby endangerment incident. Apparently, she was being chased by paparazzi and afraid for her baby's life. I wish I had her nerves of steal. She looks so calm, and Kevin looks like he's lazily chatting with Vanilla Ice about being a white rapper with no respect.

Large Rodent Offers Meteorological Forecast

Global weather patterns are getting increasingly unpredictable. Even with sophisticated radar and satellite technology, it’s hard to predict how the weather will unfold.

Thank God for Punxsutawney Phil. Today, this mystic marmot predicted six more weeks of winter. In an uncertain world, it’s nice to know that we can count on one thing – a long winter. Eschewing modern forecasting techniques, P-Phil (as he’s known in the business) relied solely on seeing his shadow. Thanks to the rodent’s uncanny abilities, thousands of meteorologists can now take some time off.

Farmers across our great land are less enthusiastic about P-Phil’s prognostication. In fact, there have been rumors or a secret agrarian militia that is planning an attack to poke out the eyes of the beloved ground squirrel. In theory, this would ensure a short winter next year, as P-Phil would have no chance of catching a glimpse of his shadow - only strange memories of men with top hats pulling him out of a warm burrow at an ungodly hour of the morning.

Drinking Like It’s 1932

At first, I was upset to find my drink of choice skewered at WaiterRant.net. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a Sidecar. Actually, let me clarify, there is nothing wrong with wanting to order a Sidecar—what you actually get is another story.

I rarely order Sidecars anymore. It’s been my experience that most bartenders are only familiar with the bartending quick start guide, which limits its pages to trendy drinks like Cosmos, Lemon Drops and the proper way to serve a Bud Light. Whatever else is in there, it certainly doesn’t inform these sultans of swill that fresh lemon juice and sweet-and-sour mix are not the same thing.

If I am to believe WaiterRant.net, It’s a good thing that I’ve largely stopped ordering the Sidecar. According to his recent post, imbibers of this tasty concoction haven’t gotten any action since 1932. I beg to differ. I don’t like to have to beg, but sometimes it’s necessary.

Upon reading this slight on my favorite cocktail, I shrugged the criticism off as coming from someone who is incapable of appreciating a good drink. However, as I spied another favorite drink from the list, I thought maybe I did have a problem. Apparently, most people who enjoy sweet vermouth on the rocks were born in the 1800s. In my defense, I picked it up while living in England – and who's going to call the English stodgy or old fashioned?!

I begin to feel better when my friend Doug’s drink of choice, the Manhattan, was also singled out for being enjoyed by an octogenarian clientele. Luckily, my attitude was lifted when I noticed praise for some other favorite drinks, like the Negroni, Vodka Martini and Mojito.

In the end, I stand by my drinks. Call me a fuddy-duddy if you like, but I enjoy a good Sidecar.


(For the record, a good Sidecar should consist of a fine brandy or cognac, Cointreau and fresh lemon juice. A sugar rim can cut the tart for those so inclined. )

Tendons Mount at SAG Awards

It’s officially awards season. Coming hot off the heels of the Golden Globes, the Screen Actors Guild announced its awards last night. As a predecessor to the Oscars, the SAG Awards is often seen as the award show that nobody watches.

If you really care, Reese Witherspoon and Philip Seymour Hoffman walked away with the top awards. The big news was that the Brokeback Mountain stars didn’t garner any of the creepy statuettes.

Frankly, I’m not too surprised, as the awards usually go to actors who take daring roles that play against type. Reese Witherspoon as a country singer?? Philip Seymour Hoffman as a creepy author – those were stretches. Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger as gay cowboys?! Come on! You might as well give an award to Rob Schneider for playing a lecherous loser in Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo.

Of course, all the awards shows are just a vehicle for celebrities to showcase their fashion sense, or lack thereof. Wardrobe consultants make a lot of money; however, there is one elusive fashion tip that they seem to lose sight of – find a dress that flatters the actor's body.

While some outfits followed that rule at this year’s SAG Awards (see Marcia Cross’ flattering gown above), some did not. For those of you who may be reading this over lunch, I apologize in advance for posting this photo of Thandie Newton. It appears as if she may have died a few weeks back and was recently revived. She needs to cover up until she gets some meat back on her bones. Note to Thandie: pronounced tendons are not sexy.

Four Things

Against my better judgment, I’m participating in this meme. I do it as a favor to Doug, who passed it along to me with high expectations. I take solace in the fact that it doesn’t have anything to do with totem polls, dancing smiley faces or inspiring narratives. Plus, it only exhorts me to pass it on to 4 people, and not everyone in my address book.

Four jobs I’ve had

1. Cashier at the Home of the Whopper.
2. A mime in Birmingham, England
3. Overhead Projector Light Bulb Changer
4. Postman in Del Mar, CA

Four movies I can watch over and over

1. The Princess Bride
2. The Nightmare Before Christmas
3. Casablanca
4. Star Wars (episodes IV & V)

Four places I’ve lived

1. Roanoke, VA
2. Albuquerque, NM
3. Santa Barbara, CA
4. San Francisco, CA

Four TV shows I love to watch

1. Arrested Development. (Everyone pray that Showtime picks it up)
2. The Office. (It gets funnier every week)
3. Scrubs.
4. American Dad.

(Yes, you’ve guessed correctly, I don’t have cable)

Four places I’ve been on vacation

1. Florence, Italy
2. Playa Hermosa, Costa Rica
3. Cuzco, Peru
4. Budapest, Hungary

Four of my favorite dishes

1. Baked Rigatoni (Old Venice)
2. BBQ Ribs (Phil’s BBQ)
3. Teriyaki Ahi (Dolphin Café)
4. Pollo Asado Burrito (La Cumbré)

Four sites I visit daily

1. Yahoo!’s Most Emailed Photos
2. Go Fug Yourself
3. The Superficial
4. Spoofee

What an exciting list.

Four places I’d rather be right now

1. San Francisco
2. Costa Rica
3. London
4. Paris

Four bloggers I’m tagging

1. Unfortunately, apart from Doug, my friends don’t blog.

Hollywood Fashions Drew Attention to the Golden Globes

The Golden Globes always draws a lot of media attention -- as much for the Hollywood fashions as the awards themselves. This year’s gala event was no different. All eyes were on the golden globes last night. (I forgo capitalization for this reference in the same manner that Drew Barrymore forewent undergarments in her headlighting appearance.)

Thankfully, other stars exercised more discretion/self respect in their wardrobe choices, such as Felicity Huffman, Kiera Knightly and Reese Witherspoon. These fashions stand in stark contrast to those worn by fashion offenders Mariah Carey, Michelle Williams and Melanie Griffith.

I’m not sure where I stand on Scarlett Johanssen’s crimson couture. While it certainly appeals on a certain level (and I think you know which one I’m talking about), I think it detracts from her overall attractiveness, which can stand on its own merits without the help of other abundant and overflowing features.

Of course, If you’re like me, you’ll want to make your own judgments – which is why I’ve provided a collection of links that showcase the night's fashions. Enjoy. And criticize. That’s what these award shows are all about.

- iVillage.com Slide Show
- E! Online Slide Show
- Hollywood Foreign Press Association Photos

Headline of the Day: iPod Gets in Your Pants

There's been a lot of news about Apple lately - what with MacWorld, CES, etc. That's in addition to the requisite, daily iPod news that reporters put out to fill their quotas.

One of the new “news” items is iPod-friendly clothing. In addition to backpacks and jackets with built in controls, Levi’s is now making a pair of jeans with a docking station, headphones, etc. Essential stuff for any music-loving, money-throwing-away, iPod fanatic.

I refuse to cover this in more detail, except to acknowledge one of the better headlines announcing the news. It comes from Motely Fool: “iPod Gets in Your Pants.”

God bless those fools. That’s journalism at its finest.

"WHY CAN'T I GET ARRESTED?"

Acutely conservative columnist Ann Coulter titles her latest editorial/pathetic rant, "Why Can’t I Get Arrested?" Considering that Arrested Development’s humor is intended for an intelligent and sophisticated audience, I’m not surprised that she doesn’t get it. If the show had a laugh track like traditional “comedies,” she might have a chance – but even then I’m not placing bets.

However, after clicking on the headline, Ann appears to be talking about actual incarceration. Heck, if Ms. Coulter wants to get thrown in jail, I believe that someone should oblige her. This is America after all – a land where people should be able to achieve their dreams. Especially if they’re born into the right echelon of society. The unlucky ones can fend for themselves. At least I think that’s one of the principle tenants of the ultra-conservative right.

The good news is that Ann is right on one front – there is a God. Because Arrested Development is in talks with Showtime to keep the show alive on its network. Let’s all pray this is true. In these troubled times, America is in desperate need of the comic relief provided by the delightfully dysfunctional Bluth family. Plus, if America lets the funniest comedy on TV get cancelled, then the terrorists really have won.

All Tied Up For Christmas

Apparently, the Green Valley Honey Tree Farm in Black Diamond, WA, is offering an ingenious service to help you with your Christmas shopping. With your kids tied up like a freshly-cut Yule tree, you won’t have to worry about them running recklessly around the mall as you do your part to edge up the consumer confidence index for the holidays.

If your kids complain, just tell them that you’re playing Spiderman, and they are the unfortunate criminals caught in your web. Kids love make-believe. Especially when it concerns a superhero who has been embedded into the adolescent psyche through two heavily-promoted blockbuster movies.

Another ingenious addition to the holiday season is the inverted Christmas tree. Because God knows it was time for a change. Instead of whacking off all the bottom branches to make room for the presents, now you can take advantage of the tree’s natural shape to accommodate America’s over-indulgent gift-giving traditions.

Your new inverted tree will show your neighbors that you know how to obediently respond to a fashion trend. If purists complain, just tell them that you did it to make a statement about the true meaning of Christmas being turned on its head. Or something like that.

Happy Halloween!

In honor of Halloween, I thought I would treat my faithful readers to some scary images. I was impressed by this carved pumpkin featured on BBC.co.uk.
















On a more sinister note, here’s a photo of Lee R. Raymond, CEO of ExxonMobil. A true face of evil, Raymond is not going to invest any of its record $10 billion third quarter profit in developing alternative energy. Be afraid, be very afraid. And don’t buy your gas at Exxon.

I Passed 8th Grade Math!

When CNET directed me to an online pop quiz, I couldn't resist the tempation of finding out if I could still pass 8th grade math. Luckily, for my ego, I got 9 out of 10 correct. I was robbed of a perfect score by not knowing the exact definition of a prime number. I can live with that. Although, after all those years of watching The Transfomers and cheering on Optimus Prime, I really shouldn't have missed that one.

My passing grade was very reassuring given the fact that my highest level math course in high school was Algebra II and my only math course in college was statistics. While I did well in those courses, I felt no need to further my learning in that domain. Plus, we have computers for that stuff. Instead, I took to the written word, where humans still have the upperhand over computers. However, I do admit to having enjoyed the Shakespearean Insult Generator when the 'Net was still young.

The site offering the pop quiz churned out the following html to advertise my results and proliferate participation. Good luck.

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 9/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

Lindsay Lohan’s Wild Ride

Okay, I understand that the paparazzi are a scourge upon this planet, but without them how we would know that Britney Spears is white trash, that Jen is totally upset about Brad, and that the Olsen twins are grotesquely thin??

Unfortunately, the paparazzi are a necessary evil that play a vital role in maintaining a core tenant of the U.S. Constitution – freedom of religion. Celebrity worship is as American as ignorance, excess and apple pie.

It’s true that the actions of the paparazzi have had some dire consequences – the death of Princess Diana being the most notorious. However, for all the celebrities they hound, you don’t hear of that many incidents – unless they involve Lindsay Lohan.

Sure, Lohan is a popular media target right now who is attracting her fair share of paparazzi, but there are lots of other stars out there pursued by aggressive photographers who don’t wreck there cars on a regular basis. One begins to wonder if part of the problem lies in Lohan’s driving abilities – or lack thereof.

I’m not saying that the paparazzi didn’t play a role, but if you see a black Mercedes convertible coming your way, you might want to give it wide berth.